It has been two years since I began my blog. I was desperate for some sort of outlet to escape my own thoughts. I was desperate for people to see things from my perspective instead of just assuming i would be so quick to walk away. On day one I wrote “Have you ever loved someone so much that you physically cannot breath without them around?
This year has been far from a fairy tale for my boyfriend, Jacob, and I.

He has been my rock since day one. From the beginning of our relationship, he and I just clicked. As if we were our own puzzle. The pieces just fit together so perfectly. He had quickly become the shoulder for me to cry on. Whether it was a hard day a work, or a fight between my sisters and I. He was always there. No questions asked. Over the last year and a half, he has shown tremendous strength when it comes to dealing with my roller coaster of emotions. My parents announced they were ending their marriage. My mother announced she has breast cancer. I had felt like my life was beginning to crumble down around me. I had no idea, at that point in my life, how wrong I was about to be.”

As I look back on the past 937 days, I cannot believe the strength it has taken to get to where I am at today. 937 days of continuing to want my life back. 937 days of continuing the struggle to find any sense of normal. 937 days of continuing to question what is happening. Through all of my own struggles, I hold true to the words I first wrote:
Jacob still remains my rock since day one. The same as things were in the beginning of our relationship, he and I continue to click. As if we are our own puzzle. The pieces just fit together so perfectly. The shoulder he once was for me to cry on has become the rock watching me physically break down during visitation. Whether it was a hard day a work, or a lonely night at home with the dogs. He is still there. No questions asked. Over the last two and a half years, he has continually showed the amount of strength he has when it comes to dealing with our current lifestyle. Jacob has been gone again now for just shy of 10 months and I still come home from work wishing that I’d be greeted by him and not just an empty house.

My initial wish when I began blogging was for people to understand that although everyone may have a picture in their mind of what life will be like, terrible things happen and unfortunately some of those things are absolutely gut wrenching and completely out of our control. But despite those terrible things, its important to remember – things will get better.

No one knows what life will be like when a loved one is sent to prison. Will I ever be able to see him? Will I ever be able to hug him again? Will I ever get to hear his laugh or see his smile?

The last 10 months, I have been put through the absolute test of true strength. Not only with remaining employed despite the numerous days I’ve wanted to play hookie, maintaining a household despite the thoughts I’ve had on running away, or the thoughts I’ve had on how my own family has done everything in their power to make this worse for me rather than better. I have learned to find the strength I’ve needed to get through this within myself.

When a loved one is sent to prison, it is far from black and white. No one tells you what it will be like. No one tells you there will be numerous friends lost and countless family members estranged. No one tells you that the button on American Eagle jeans set off the metal detector and that underwire bras are not an approved undergarment. But there is also no one telling you that the vending machine has really good breakfast burritos and to grab extra napkins on pizza day.

This is my new normal. This is my lifestyle. I will never say I am okay with how things in my life are, I have just accepted the way things are now. I have adjusted and learned to be thankful.

This Thanksgiving I spent my morning traveling to spend time with Jake. Although this year we were not hosting our family as we have the last two years, I still remained on the bright side of things and tried to stay as positive as I can despite the shitty hand I’ve been dealt in 2018. As I reflect on all of my blog posts from the last two years, I am reminded that things will get better. The words I said two years ago could not hold more true than they do today “I am not one to give up without a fight. No matter how long this takes or the amount of sleepless nights I am about to endure, I know one thing for sure – I AM IN LOVE WITH A MAN NAMED JACOB DANIEL VOGEL, and nothing anyone says or does will change that.”

Despite the series of very unfortunate events – I STILL believe in the greater good. I STILL believe in true love. And I STILL believe in you, Jacob!