Throughout the past two years I have been doing an awful lot of reflecting while trying to remind myself that not everything in life will go as planned. Life will have its ups and downs regardless if you’re strapped in and ready for the ride. Friends may turn their backs on you when you truly need them. The love of your life may surprise the hell out of you and make you lose sight of every hope and dream you ever imagined possible. If there is one thing I would like to share with everyone, it is that Things Will Get Better. It may not be today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. But things will get better, sooner or later.

I have spent the past two years being filled with pain and hatred, wondering why bad things happen to good people. Throughout the past 44 days, I have replayed the past few years of my life over and over again trying to figure out where I went wrong. Lately, I have struggled to find the good and the honesty in those I once loved and also new friends who are trying to get to know me. I would like to say that phase of this battle is over but I know it is not that simple.

“Trauma of war does not end when the guns stop firing.” – The battle with my own self worth will not end just because this chapter of my life is unfortunately closing. The pain and suffering I struggle with will always be a part of me. How I allow myself to react to that pain and suffering is fully up to me. If there is one positive thing for me to take away from this, it is that everything happens for a reason. It may take me years to figure out the reason behind why this had to happen to me, but I know that one day I will be okay. Regardless of the time frame because that is something not even I, myself, can control.

“I do get angry. I get stressed. I do worry. I get sad and disappointed too. What I am not, though, is consumed by any of them. I owe it to myself not to torment my soul with my own sorrows. I strive to move forward.”  – When I originally started this blog, I was looking for an outlet and a way to cope and grieve with the less than fortunate curveballs life has thrown me. Many people may think I was blogging as a way to coerce others to believe in Jacob’s innocence. In no way was that the case. This blog was and will always be about me and my part in all of this. I am not going to get people to understand this situation or the pain and confusion going through my body. That is not my end result. I have always been one to want to help others and although I may wear my heart on my sleeve, it is my hope that throughout my heartbreak and others reading my blog, that they will find some clarity and direction as to what is “normal” when dealing with the hardships of life.

Over the last few years, self care is something I have lost sight of and it is time to focus on me. I am not exactly sure what I will do with my life from here. I could end up in another state, maybe Tennessee or Alabama. I could backpack by myself through Europe. I could change my name and completely start over. On the other hand, I could also remain exactly where I am now. I could continue on with my life just as is, dealing with the struggles however I see fit. No matter what my outcome, the hardest part is that I have to figure it out totally on my own. No one can tell me how to properly move on or what is the right time to do anything, whether it may be the “right thing” or not.

During the last week, I have tried to allow myself to begin the healing process. I have come to terms with the fact that it is not something I can control. Although I may want to have a pity party and make it all about me, deep down I know the truth – this IS NOT about me, it never was been nor will it ever be. But right now, that is the hardest part. I have tried so hard to grasp that this is not about me. Why would someone who treats you with such respect, dignity, and love ever want this as an ending to a perfect relationship? Why would a man who plans his future with you in it end up where he is? My life will not move forward if I continue to dwell on the negatives, this I know to be true.

To all of my readers who also feel that sympathetic poor-me attitude from time to time, I want you to know that is normal. If you ever have that feeling, it is an indication that you care – sometimes more about others than yourselves, which I may say is a great quality no matter how vulnerable it may leave you. I want everyone to understand that life is what you make it. Yes, my life is not exactly what I would like it to be and I would not wish this type of loss and pain on my worst enemy. But with the same token, I refuse to let this very unfortunate situation forever knock me down. I will battle the hard days in order to continue holding my head high and remain confident in whichever direction I go towards.

“You’ve got to pick what’s the best for you. Only you can make the choice of your own happiness.” – My life may have been engulfed with negativity the past two years, but I will always look at the positivity. Optimism is key, otherwise negativity will kill you. I have met a great friend throughout all of this and tonight she reminded me that it is okay to be down and sad, but that I need to breathe and to take my time. You’ve got to pick what’s best for you – long term, I am not sure what that will be but today was the starting line of figuring that out. Only you can make the choice of your own happiness – again, long term, I have absolutely no idea what the right choice is when it comes to my own happiness but eventually I am determined to get there.

So again, for anyone who has ever felt lonely, like the world is caving in around you, like everything in your life remains completely out of control no matter what you do- I promise things will get better. I say it for my readers as well as myself. Today might be better than tomorrow, but next week might be better than this one! Keep your chin up and continue pushing through. One day it’ll all be worth it!

There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.