To most people, blessed is a seven letter word but to me it has become much more than that. The past three weeks have been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. I know I have not exactly been the ideal girlfriend but I appreciate you continuing to put up with my bullshit.

April 27, 2017 – Panic.

Everything I did today seemed to bring me to a panic. I went to bed overly worried that in the morning when I woke up, my nightmare would start all over again and that this would continue to replay. That night I found myself awaking numerous times just to roll over and look at you to make sure you were still lying in the bed next to me. Each time you would ask me “what’s up?” and even though I responded with “nothing, sorry”  I hope you now know that I am clingy at night and you’re just going to have to deal with it.

April 28, 2017 – Anxiety.

I remember spending the morning being scared if I was to hear a knock, worried if I was to open door and find barricades in front of the entrance, fearful that my house would be turned into what appeared to be a crime scene a year prior. I spent the afternoon not wanting to leave the house or even look down the street at oncoming cars. On this day, I did not want to leave your side. Anytime we separated, my body was flooded with emotions and my heart broke. If I ran inside to grab you a Mountain Dew, would you be there when I came back out? If you ran to O’Reillys for car parts, would they follow you?

May 4, 2017 – Relief.

At approximately 1:29P, I walked out of Somsen Hall 312. I had just completed the last final of my undergraduate career. I spent the time walking home reflecting on how I made it this far. This past year, I could not have done it without you. When we spent those 30 minutes on the phone each night, you continued to push me and you continued to give me the strength to not give up. Day after day I just wanted to quit and find more work to ensure we would have the money to get through the hard times when you returned home. Had I known that each and every time I would fall apart on the phone or during visitation, it would all eventually lead to this moment. Calmly walking home after completing the last final of my undergraduate career reminiscing on all of the things we have been through and how strong we are now.

May 5, 2017 – Uncertainty.

As most college students woke up this day, I can almost guarantee that they were filled with joy and excitement. Unfortunately, I was not.

April 28, 2016 was the last Thursday prior to Spring 2016 finals week. You were arrested.

November 23, 2016 was the last week of classes before Fall 2016 finals week. You returned home.

May 5, 2017 was the day I was about to graduate. All morning long I panicked, stressed, and freaked out. The amount of uncertainty I was feeling was heartbreaking. Throughout the past year, any time something meaningful happened, I had to tell you over the phone or while touching your hand through a window. Leading up to graduation day, when someone would ask me if it felt real or if I was excited about finally being done, I would look them straight in the eye and tell them “I will be excited about finally being done knowing that Jake was in the audience watching me.” At nearly 12:30P, commencement began with you in the audience cheering me on.

May 14, 2017 – Blessed.

One year ago I was spending the night preparing myself as to what my first visitation would be like at the Dane County Jail. I had never been into a county building before. Ever. Expect to pay all of those parking tickets from high school, but that is besides the point. Would I be patted down and searched? Would the guards at the door be friendly? Would Jake look healthy, or at least somewhat healthy? Will there be glass in between us? Will I be able to hold his hand? What do I do to not cry in front of him?

Tonight as I blog, I feel truly blessed. Blessed that I am able to have you home with me rather than saying goodnight over the phone of the Dane County Jail. Blessed that I am able to enjoy nearly 80 degree weather on a Sunday with you rather than from the backseat of a Trailblazer driving to Madison. Blessed that I am able to hear you snoring while I watch a Nicholas Sparks chick flick rather than watching shows on what life is like in jail. Blessed that I am able to pick up your Mountain Dew cans all over the house rather than refusing to not drink them because I knew you couldn’t . Blessed that I am able to help you build a brand new patio for our backyard rather than feeling guilty to change any aspect of the house without you here to help. Blessed that I am able to clean up the dishes after having a “dinner for two” in our new gazebo rather than ordering a “pizza for one” in bed. Blessed that I am able to roll over in bed at 5A and just touch you rather than to turn off my own alarm for visitation.

So, tomorrow, I will be soaking in every moment you and I spend together.

I am beyond grateful for your strength and motivation in taking care of me. I am proud to be your girlfriend and I will continue to hold my head high when things get rough. We have seen each other at our best and definitely at our absolute worst. I have told you since the day you were arrested that I am not going anywhere and that I am not ashamed to say that I am Jake Vogel’s girlfriend. You are my very best friend and I am not going anywhere.

My heart will forever be with you, at this house.

I love you to the moon and back.