Grief is not a linear journey. It is a rollercoaster of emotions.

Healing is not a gentle journey. It does not have to look magical or pretty.

Both require tremendous strength and courage because the path from pain to joy is not a straight line. It is a cycle that must be repeated time and time again in order to truly grow. As we shed our skin of the past, we become exposed to the light of the future.

Grief is a nasty game of feeling the weakest you have ever felt and morphing it into the strongest person you will have ever become.

Real healing is hard, exhausting, and draining. Let yourself go through it. Don’t try to paint it as anything other than what it is. Be there for yourself without judgment.

One day, you will feel healed and that you are finally on an upward trajectory. And then, without warning, grief will come barging in just when things are starting to look up. In my experience, you cannot have one without the other. They go hand-in-hand. You grieve. And then you heal. Repeatedly. Over and over. Those damn hamsters never stop running on that wheel.

One day, you will be driving across the country in search of a fresh start, new beginnings, and lots of adventure. You will find those days quickly filled with laughter that makes your belly hurt, food that satisfies all your tastebuds, road trips with a Spotify playlist, and your best friends. There will also be days filled with tears that leave your eyes puffy, resentment towards having no choice but to start over, and loneliness for having to take on adventures alone.

During those periods of grief and healing, you will most definitely feel sadness and joy. Some days, the highs will make you feel on top of the world. While the lows will knock you completely on your ass. I promise you that each time you go through the cycle, you will feel it deeply each and every time. Maybe even more than the last. The trick is to not beat yourself up for as long. Don’t let them fester. Invite those feelings in for a quick chat. And then, kindly, show them the door.

For the last eight years, I have allowed myself to believe that I am forever stuck in this cycle. But now, as I sit here reminiscing on the person I was then, I am so incredibly proud of her and who she has become. Yes, the cycle may always continue, but the length of time I choose to sit and grieve is entirely up to me. Healing is a powerful tool. It provides clarity and sheds a beautiful light on what you want your life to look like.

Life loves to play tricks. When you are in the thick of your healing journey, you will be sent more obstacles than you ever thought possible. Some may challenge you for longer than others. Some may be as simple as saying “no thank you” and walking away.

One day, you will be having an almond milk mocha latte at a new local coffee shop. Next, you will be taking selfies in a cute bathroom mirror and having bud lights with pickles. And before you know it, you’re back at it. Planning another trip across the country in search of a fresh start, new beginnings, and lots of adventure. The days of planning will be filled with excitement for the future and hopefulness of what’s to come, lunch dates for lobster rolls and brewery flights, road trips with a Minnesota Bound playlist, and your person. There will also be days filled with sadness for the distance, anxiety of choosing to start over yet again, and an empty void where the security of your old life used to be.

During these current periods of grief and healing, you will undoubtedly feel alone and heartbroken. These days, the highs may be very far and few in between. The lows may have checked into the room next door for a little weekend slumber party. The trick here is to allow yourself time to process and welcome both sides, with zero judgment. Grief and healing are not easy. No one ever claimed them to have been.

On days of uncertainty, I challenge myself to continue pushing towards my goals. To take myself out for coffee date and order an almond milk mocha latte. To treat myself to a new restaurant from the list of places I’ve been wanting to try. To road trip to the coast with a Spotify blend and maybe an A&W root beer. Even though Barq’s will always be superior.

Adventure can be an end in itself. Self-discovery is the secret ingredient.

Don’t allow yourself to get caught up on the image you had from 8 years when picturing what your life would look like. You are no longer that version of yourself either. Be proud of the grief. Be proud of the tears. Be proud of the sleepless nights. Be proud of the long walks during your lunch break. Be proud of your self-work. Be proud of the days you choose to keep fighting.

One day, you will tell the story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will become someone else’s survival guide.

Be proud.

And never forget.. Even on the hard days, things ARE getting better.