Whenever your life is feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, that means you’re being given the time and space to heal and release the baggage that you can’t carry to where you’re meant to go soon. Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you.

It has been 859 days since my last entry. When I look back at all that has happened in the last two plus years, I feel like an entirely different human than the vulnerable 23-year-old who originally started this blog. If I could go back, I would hold her so tight and tell her “Things will get better! Don’t be so hard on yourself! Enjoy the little moments and keep striving to be the best version of yourself!” There are so many memories and moments I wish I could relive for the first time. There are so many arguments I wish I could take back with the ones I love. There are so many times I wish I would have just eaten that extra slice of bread to soak up the one too many beers that were about to follow. But throughout all those moments, they became life lessons and have helped push me forward.

Do you remember those Disney flipbooks from the 90s where you could quite literally see the story flash before your eyes in a matter of seconds? Today while sitting alone outside my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, that is what I see. When I close my eyes, I can picture the worst version of myself. She is struggling to eat. She is struggling to sleep. She is struggling to allow others to help. She is struggling to forgive. She is struggling to move on. She is struggling to understand. She is struggling to love.

Flash forward to present day, and I am extremely proud of the woman I see. This year, I turned 30. Since then I have been genuinely enjoying life and this version of who I am becoming. I made a promise to myself that I would never let my worth be determined by my place in any relationship. I would stand proudly by this version of myself and know that what I have to offer will be enough for the right person. I would continue striving to be a better version of who I was yesterday. Moving forward, I would not regret any decision in which Kaitlyn came first. Her needs and feelings matter. With that decision came an amazing group of people. Around them, I am reminded of how deserving I truly am. I am reminded that not everyone has some hidden agenda in wanting to be in your life. I am reminded that people can enjoy you and your company for exactly who you are. I am reminded that not everyone is judgmental, some can be curious.

December 23, 2021 – During therapy, I was asked if there would be anything I would regret or be resentful of if I looked back. That question rocked my world. Up until that moment, for the last 5 years, every decision I made was tied to the hope of my relationship working out exactly how I had always imagined and dreamed of. I had played out every detail in my head like I would my favorite song on repeat. It was in that moment when asked that question, where I started really thinking about which fairytale story I was even wanting for myself. Full bore ahead.. No take backs..

July 13, 2022 – Therapy Thursday, we continued the regret and resentment conversation. I told her that I was unable to answer that question honestly. My heart was unable to say I would not be resentful. My head was not able to say I would not have regrets. In that moment, I knew what decision I had to make next and that night I went home only to have the biggest realization of my life. This was no longer what Kaitlyn wanted. I was not happy. I was lonely. I was not feeling valued. I was not feeling appreciated. I felt taken for granted and that I deserved more.

Later that night, I laid in the bath tub and illustrated my new Disney flipbook. I envisioned what I wanted for my life going forward. I pictured the apartment I wanted for my pets and I. I pictured the apartment décor I wanted. I pictured the neighborhood walks I would take in the mornings with a cup of coffee or at dusk with a late-night beer. I pictured the new coffee shops I would be blogging at. I pictured the relationships I wanted and the love I would strive for.

From this night on, Kaitlyn became the priority and main character of the story. That week I found an apartment that was perfect for my elderly pup and the rest of my zoo. I signed the lease that same day and paid the deposit. My last day of work would be August 3, 2022 and I would be crossing state lines two days later.

Flashforward 395 days. This version of Kaitlyn feels at peace. She feels confident and content with exactly who she is. She feels valued and appreciated by those currently in her life. She is continuing to grow but truly feels that, finally, things are getting better.

Healing is not and will never be a linear journey. There may be days where things feel stagnant and as though you’re “stuck”. Allow yourself extra grace on those days. You are not meant to forever carry the baggage of your past. You are meant to heal. You are meant to let things go. You are meant for so much more. Let the adventure begin and never stop.

“Have you ever loved someone so much that you physically cannot breathe without them around?”

On November 23, 2016 I wrote those exact words. That version of Kaitlyn blogged about believing in the greater good and all the love I had for someone else. Today, this version blogs about believing in herself and loving her as an individual person. Don’t get me wrong, I still do believe in the greater good. I still very much so believe in true love. The only difference, 7 years later, is that I believe in myself.

She is strong.

She is worthy.

She is deserving of love.

She is a work in progress.

She believes that Things Will Get Better.