PTSD
The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD as a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.
It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
January 28, 2017
At approximately 1:30P, it will have been exactly 10 months since Jacob was arrested. Tonight, while I lie awake in bed next to him, I worry about what will happen in the morning when I wake up. If he will be here when I get home from work. I lie here having flashbacks of the night prior to Jake being arrested. The conversations we had, the laughs we shared and the moments we made. Although those memories are good, I cannot seem to stop the flashbacks of the morning of as well. The excruciating migraine I woke up with, the accounting class I skipped even though there was a final exam review, the moment I stepped foot outside my front door and began to feel my heart instantly drop.
Whether or not I choose to admit it, the afternoon of April 28th 2016 was a day that changed my life forever.
We have been through multiple federal court hearings and visitations. We have been given nasty looks and snide remarks from just about anyone and everyone, but yet I continue to hold my head high.
This week, for whatever the reason may be, has been slightly more difficult for me than others. Throughout the past month or so, I have been having quite vivid dreams of me reliving that day and Jake being arrested. No matter what routine I do before bed, the nightmare seems to continue on. I find myself waking up with the sweats in the middle of the night, only to reach over and check to make sure Jake is still lying next to me. Numerous times I have sat awake staring at him after jolting out of bed from this recurring nightmare.
Some people may say I just need to let it go and move on, but I don’t think I will ever be able to.
No matter how many nights I pray, how many counselors I see, how many times Jake tells me he is not going anywhere, how many nights I have a complete meltdown in the shower, whether or not I choose to admit it – my life has completely changed.
To say the past three weeks have been a roller coaster would be quite the understatement. I began my last semester as an undergrad and I applied for a new position at work. On the outside, my life seems to be going great. On the inside, I feel that I am sometimes barely holding it together.
Throughout the past few days, I may have let the unanswered questions I have completely take over.
- Why did this happen in the first place? Why did the FBI not allow me to go outside?
- Why did they take my cell phone while my house was being searched?
- Why were they reading me my rights?
- Who was doing this?
- Why do I need to feel paranoid every time I see a silver SUV drive down my block?
- Why do I assume ever black SUV is an FBI agent?
- Why can I not just let it go and be happy my life is somewhat normal.
In my last blog posting, I mentioned that I suffer from anxiety. The past 10 months have been brutal not only when it comes to finding the right medication, treatment plans, and work-life balance but also when it comes to the unknown.
When most people my age say they fear the unknown, they are probably explaining things along the lines of:
- Will my boyfriend propose to me?
- Did I pass my midterm exam?
- Do I go to Cancun or the Florida Keys for spring break?
I cannot help but be a bit resentful towards these people. Not personally or individually but generally as a whole. The type of fear from the unknown that I explain is something along the lines of:
- Will this court date be worse or better than the last one?
- Is the cop two cars behind me following me home?
- Is the investigator I see at work coming in to try to intimidate me?
- Will my boyfriend be in the audience cheering me on at my college graduation?
- Will I be forced to find a new best friend?
According to the National Center for PTSD , about 7 or 8 out of every 100 people will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than men, and genes may make some people more likely to develop PTSD than others.
274 days and counting
274 days. that is the number of days I find myself battling this disorder. As much as I wish it would go away, I fear that I will never be able to get past this.